M and I are a young couple trying to feel out a DD lifestyle while waiting out a career-induced year of living apart. We’ve been together for almost 2 years, and giving and getting spankings (very sporadically) for most of that time.

Before I met my M, I was pretty vanilla (my fascination with self-inflicted pain and blood never extended to the bedroom). I knew I wanted a dominant man, someone I could look up to, but only if I were also to be regarded as his equal. He had to deserve and inspire my unspoken submission without demanding it. That’s kind of a tough combination to achieve. I had less trouble finding people for whom I felt affection, and more finding a deserving man I could secretly regard as my master. M came to be such a dear, caring friend, so genuine, and all the while so bespeaking masculinity and intelligence, that I suspected I was falling in love with him before even our first kiss. Little did I know what I was getting myself into with this beautiful man.

M was the first and only man to spank me. I didn’t have the lifelong fascination with spanking that most in the community seem to harbor, but it also didn’t even approach “just too weird” for me. I can’t imagine the courage it must’ve taken for M to broach the subject so early in our relationship, and yet waiting would have probably only made it harder. Furthermore, he not only confided that he wanted to spank me over his knee, but wanted himself to be spanked, too.

We began our spankings without much communication; this was new, slightly uncomfortable territory for both of us (not to mention both of our having other roommates to worry about). M took me lovingly into his hands, though, and with many good girl spankings, he really gave me a trip. An incredibly sensuous trip. He would take me over his knee and proceed to spank me, tease me, pleasure me, switching between these without warning or doing them at the same time while my sensory perceptions only got more titillated and confused the faster he went. My sensitive little bottom was shocked by just his bare hands, and yet I was experiencing a rush of sensations the likes of which I’d never known. Under his masterful hands, my pleasure and pain wires got thoroughly crossed. Likewise, I quickly learned that there was nothing like a spanking to get my Boy horny. Yet somehow we were unsettled.

M just does not naturally submit. He does not like being told that he is getting a spanking. Since he was the one who had initiated our spankings, and who at least knew he was interested in them, I naturally looked to him for guidance in this part of our relationship. I focused very much on trying to give him what he wanted, needed, and help rid him of any embarrassment the subject gave him. I thought, well, since he says he wants them, maybe he just needs me to be more stern and firm with him. Unfortunately, I failed to recognize that it’s just as easy for the man I look up to and love to not know what he wants as it is for me to not know what I want. Not to mention that I feel very out of place trying to dominate him. With all this in mind, it’s not hard to imagine that when we tried to integrate DD into our lifestyle, it was hard to settle into a good rhythm: both of us being in charge didn’t really work for either of us.

Finally, as our year of separation was all but upon us, M suggested and I heartily agreed that: discipline had fallen from our lifestyle and needed reinstating, both of us trying to switch all the time was no good, and spankings sorely needed to be given more regularly. We accepted our new roles with little difficulty, his dominant (HoH), mine submissive, but with the understanding that if M believed he needed to be punished, we would switch for the duration of his spanking.

Now we play out these roles to the mild extent possible with only phone and skype to communicate, and a bit more thoroughly (and with much joy) when we do get to visit each other. Now all that remains is the real trial when we are living together again one year hence. That’s obviously longer than either of us would like before we can truly immerse ourselves in this new lifestyle, give it a thorough test drive, but the important thing is that we’re still together and we’re still trying. To me, that says that even if this arrangement of roles and rules doesn’t last, our relationship will, and we’ll keep working at it until we get it right.

…. and damn, I’m dying for a gg spanking!

My sweet M has merited himself a spanking, even though he is HoH. I don’t think many true HoH’s will switch and get spankings when they are bad and break the rules, but M maintains his HoH status by being the one to decide if and when he needs a spanking. Then I am in charge, as per his order, for only as long as he is being punished (I decide how long that is, and I am probably too soft with him, but that’s why I’m sub!). I might suggest he needs a spanking, but unless his behavior has been blatantly awful (pretty much never happens), he is more likely to refuse if I try to push him into it; he really is in charge.

Alas, we are still living apart and can only see each other at most once a month. Last week, M had some irresponsible behavior while drinking, and it became quite clear that he needed a spanking that would inspire him to do better. Yet, I don’t get to see him for 2 more weeks! How hard it is to learn, to associate a spanking with an action, to feel that a spanking is even deserved, when the time between misbehavior and punishment is thus delayed! I am afraid that by the time he gets his  spanking, all his natural emotions of wrongdoing will be diminished, and he will have to actively recall them to get into the right state of mind. Likewise, I will have to remind myself that he was verily bad, and try even harder than usual to not feel cruel while giving my sweet Boy any pain.

I guess this is just one more difficulty we will have to overcome before we can experience the pleasure of living together again. I know it’s going to be a long, hard year, but I know even better how much our life together will be worth the wait.

I was reading a very old post by FindingSara (http://findingsara.wordpress.com), and she was commenting on (disagreeing with) the idea that being a sub somehow means that you are immature. I also have to disagree. My Man and I are still very new to the DD lifestyle, but there are two things that I have learned so far:

1. Being submissive is not fulfilling unless you also know how to stand up for yourself. I have been with my wonderful HoH M for almost 2 years, and I will happily admit that, by seeing the pride with which he carries himself, the respect he gives me, and the self-respect he expects me to give myself, I have become much stronger and more confident about being who I am. I now expect people to respect me and my decisions, and I find it much easier to spurn random oglers (my “No” has also gotten more convincing). All this because I have learned how to turn inside for validation. Before I had this confidence, I only enjoyed playing at submissive. I was not confident enough in my own strength to risk giving up any real power to somebody else. Yet, for the past year or so, submitting has instead become a way for me to show love and respect to my M, while feeling loved and looked after in return.

2. There are some parts of maturation that take us away from childhood, and some parts that can only be achieved by going back to it. This has less to do with the whole DD vs. maturity argument, and more to do with being happy, whole individuals. Do we not all yearn for the sheer and overwhelming “child-like” happiness that seemed so easy to come by in our younger years? After adolescence has kicked us around and scared the shit out of us, do we not, albeit with new perspective and understanding, rediscover our true, more innate identities? Maybe everyone won’t agree with me on this (undoubtedly), but I think maturity is all based on doing a certain amount of growing up, figuring out who you are, and either being ok with yourself, as is, or thinking and working on yourself towards being so. It seems to me that if you can achieve that, if you can relax and just be, you will regain just a little bit of the innocent happiness of a child. Having somebody who loves and appreciates you only makes those “innocently” happy moments more frequent, no matter how the two of you come by them. For me, being his good little girl gives me just such giddy and overwhelming joy.